Just a thought for the day:

Control is a variable

Nobody is really in complete control

Complete Control is in the hands of the natural chaos that forms around us

Realizing I'm not in control caused me to wrap myself up. Realizing I can't be in complete control now sets me free

My job really isn't to control things. Usually I'd focus my efforts on my emotions. I'm happy all the time, my life is *expletive*, isn't it awesome . Part of the reason for that was I had this peculiar way of seeking people's advice then just flat out ignoring it. My deeper problem was my inner barriers that... Thats interesting. So the reason I kept forgetting people's advice was because I was afraid of outside influences. If I rely on outside influences I am no longer in control. Dependence was a horrible idea to me, because anyone who I depend on has the ability to hit those weaker areas and cause my little Jenga control tower to collapse around me and reveal how vulnerable I was. Which wasn't that much of a secret, really, but without my wall, I'd be prone to act outside of my religious fears.

That was really my deepest motivator. I tried to keep that a secret, because I knew that most my friends wouldn't understand... Well, of course, I could also take my problems to the religious folks, but they only had silly solutions like destroying my satanic video game collection (good bye satanic half-life. I miss j00!) and dancing... I'm sure I sent around 300 dollars worth of gaming goodness to the dump, and the beginning of a small pokémanz collection... Thats the one thing that got me, I was really looking for someone I could relate to, but I dunno, the people I saw were in religious mode. Nothing right down in the core that stood out as "now thats an awesome person". It was all about... whatever it was about. I don't really see the point. I never did, but then I figured "eh, this is how it works? Okay, I'll just do whatever all you are doing, apparently its working.".

I met a few really cool religious people on my own, but for the most part I used to just do whatever religious thing my aunt was doing at the time, and she was into some freaky *expletive* XD. Exorcising demons and stuff. Eh, even if I did meet some who were really cool, I had a religious mode of my own, and I wold most likely think they weren't quite religious enough.

So where was I? Hmm, control... Well, lets see, I was somehow going to try to swing around and get to this point that it isn't so much controlling the waves life sends at you, its learning to get up on that board and ride those waves. You don't control the waves, but you don't have to be knocked under either... Something like that.

IF this was a story it would make absolutely no sense.